In Praise of John Hegely

Among the piles of books scattered about my lodgings is a much-loved copy of John Hegley's "Glad To Wear Glasses", first published in 1990.

Fast forward to 16 September 2010, I found myself at the Camden Bookshop by Old Street Tube to witness "Monsieur Hedley" read from that collection and others, including his latest, "The Adventures of Monsieur Robinet". Well, I say read, but he also sang and played a mandolin, sometimes accompanied by a fellow using such things as a plastic skull and an inflated black rubber glove as percussion.

2010 sees Hegley expand upon his dog metaphor with a new collection enriched with a parallel French translation "and plenty of room to add your own drawings". The dog in question is called Chirac and as a symbol for our fractured age, cannot be equaled.

"TELEVISION IS BAD FOR YOUR CONVERSATION WITH THE DOG. His dog quietly keeps guard over his master's pile of pebbles" is at once, humourous, simple and indistinct. Who is the dog? Does this dog have an opinion? Does it actually matter? What are the pebbles? All questions for the reader to ponder.

Hedley on the evening reminded me of a young University lecturer of my acquaintance. His percussionist reminded me of more than one reformed abuser of Class A drugs. That those two images can fill the air at the same time as Hegley explores neglect, boredom and complex identity makes the world a better place.

Stuffed chair talks

Proof that the UK coalition does things differently comes today.....in a newspaper report, the Tory 'chair' in the House of Lord's says it does God.

I can't wait for the narrative stating that the economic crisis is a pestilence visited upon the world because of a lack of faith in God.

It isn't.

Tube Disaster

I laughed my fuckin cods off this morning when The Guardian reported the Real IRA will target bankers in a "renewed campaign of violence". I fell on the floor howling, shaking with disbelief when I read the companion piece. Apparently the clandestine meetings between the Real IRA and Mummy's boy journo Henry were like a scene from The Godfather.

I think the little diddums needs to get out more. What he described sounded more like the druggie scenes from "Withnail and I".

The world capitalist conspiracy of Jews, bankers and socialists, if there is such a thing, hasn't really had a good few days, has it.

First, there was all that reporting of those former lifestyle gurus at TUC Conference threatening action against budget cuts. Then there was some sort briefing that the Israeli-Palestinian talks had hit their usual stumbling blocks. I mean, these talks have been going on for years. What the fuck do they talk about? Book deals? Things have got so bad, Hilary Clinton has been forced to go to press. Now some cokehead fantasists with guns are threatening British bankers.

What are we to do....


But the good news is that the world's favourite puppy, Obama, has written a children's book. Lord help us....actually He won't help because, again, depending on one's point of view; Satan arrives in London on Thursday in the body of the Pope.

The only sane solution is to ignore all that crap and and get on with your life, here's a little help along the way...Tube Disasters by The Flux of Pink Indians

Monkey Phil falls over

I must confess a weakness for trials and tribulations of Phil Woolas MP.

One of my favourite memories of the 1980s is a sit down protest on Westminster Bridge in the evening rush hour with a bunch of "radical Marxist" students. As cars turned around and the police wondered about the overtime payments, we sat listening to Phil Woolas through a megaphone telling us the government of the day had taken notice of the protest and now please disperse. The response of course, was "Fuck off".

I really can't remember who coined the phrase Phil "Safe Labour Seat" Woolas but it certainly was around shortly after that incident. I had forgotten about him until completely until I read somewhere he finally got elected. Quite how many times he tried is left unrecorded....he wasn't elected till 1997.

What is recorded though is his rise to the improbable heights of Immigration Minister, before being moved because he was so crap. The man is such an apparatchik monkey, that unless he checks with the Labour Machine first, he gets into trouble with women wearing veils, anti-racism campaigners, plus his own expenses scandal. Do read down his wiki entry, it is most fun.

Quite how a Labour MP, even in a safe seat, could feed at the piggy trough, insult his electorate and still get re-elected is explained in today's Guardian. Apparently, he lied during his election campaign.

It would appear this isn't allowed and no-one at Labour Party HQ seemed to have told Monkey Phil or his monkey mates troughing in Oldham East....Hey Ho....He's appearing in a specially convened court to throw him out.

Being a good apparatchik, Monkey Phil is supporting David 'Wanker' Milliband for the leadership. He even nominated Diane Abbot on Milliband orders....the organ grinder has no sense of irony...

Anyway, Phil Woolas, the Monkey falls over. It won't hit the news, David Milliband will get elected as Labour Leader. We know we're fucked anyway, go and listen to some music instead! Try this if you need cheering up!

Pakistan knows it's fucked - Angelina has come a-visitin'

Early Autumn Greetings, my notional reader!

Please accept my humble apologies for not posting anything since April. I have devoted a lot of time to ignoring "current affairs" and the world in general and am happy to report that I feel wonderful as a result!

However, I simply couldn't resist commenting on the news that Angelina Jolie has visited Pakistan.

One simply can't avoid feeling a little sympathy with the inhabitants of that country at the moment. An area with a rich cultural heritage stretching back to before BCE 1500, a diverse literary, political and physical landscape....in short, a civilized place.

More recently, the area has been forced to endure institutionalized radical Islam, corruption, and more general incompetence from its government and "allies", chiefly the USA. Added to this, a catastrophic flood, an even more catastrophic reaction to it from the "international community" and a betting scam involving its cricket team. One has to wonder, what else can go wrong? What's left?

Now, if the inhabitants had any doubt it was a basket case, Angelina Jolie has come to town. The trip was beautifully stage managed, Ange was wearing a lovely cut-down burka described as a "robe" and she arrived to "to highlight the ongoing needs of Pakistan at a time when global attention is waning."

There is no doubt, Pakistan is fucked....and it's citizens know it!